Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

After months and months of concerns, questions, worries and the occasional contradictory moments of feeling success and unhappiness, it's come to an end. In what is still a baffling turn of events (even after a full month of looking back and doubting myself, my previous actions, asking myself "why?", and generally feeling smaller than I've felt in more than a decade), I'm finally starting to look forward again, to tomorrow and next month and to next year and beyond.

And now that I am looking at the future again, I'm beginning to realize that in many ways I've been spinning my wheels. Figuratively, obviously. I've spent so much of the last 6 months waiting. Waiting for this to happen, so that I can do that. Waiting for this person to get me information about something so that I can do that thing. Just - waiting. Now I'm seeing that the holding pattern I was in was of particular design to keep me somewhat busy and somewhat content, so that I wasn't asking questions about what was going to happen next, where I was supposed to be going, or when the next step was going to be presented to me. It's an unfair position to be placed in but I suppose I'm not entirely blameless in the situation... I let it happen to me after all.

I was unhappy, bordering on miserable for a portion of the time, but despite my complaints and grumbling, I never really did anything to change the situation or push for more. As position, work and power was torn from me, as I watched those around me suffer in concert, I started to believe that I couldn't fix things and therefore as more time passed, I hardly even tried. And maybe I couldn't have fixed things. Maybe trying only would have pushed us all into the current situation sooner. But I should have tried, I should have pushed, and I should have realized far sooner that waiting wasn't doing anyone any favors (except those who will remain unnamed), least of all me.

Now ideas for the future are percolating in my mind and family and friends are happy to see and support a change in attitude, a change in goals and plans. But most of all they are happy to be supporting me in an endeavour that will create a better, happier, more stable situation for me, my family and, hopefully, a whole array of other people - young and old, as well.

So wish me luck! And I promise that as things move forward I'll do my best to keep you posted!!

Till next time, be happy and keep looking forward!

Out of the Shadows

I don’t know when I became one of those people who are unable to focus on and successfully work at more than one thing at a time… maybe I’ve always been that way.  Maybe I’m just lazy.  Maybe I wanted to believe that one thing, one outside thing, could make me as happy as the things and stories that go on inside of my head. 

For a while I think that it did.

For a while it fulfilled me in a way that only writing and dance was ever able to. 

Then I don’t know what happened.  Well I guess that’s not entirely true, I do know what happened.  It’s just not something that I can really talk about or explain here. (Legally binding contracts and all that…)

And now I’ve spent the last couple of months so – angry? Disillusioned? Depressed.  That’s my fault though, and I know it.  I’ve known it all along; I just, I would rather have someone else to blame.  It’s stupid and it’s dangerous to pin all your hopes, all your happiness (even if it’s just external happiness) on something that, while you have some control over your own personal interactions, is not something that you control on a whole.

I’ve always known that.  I’ve never allowed myself to do that before.  But I did it with this, I allowed myself to be sucked in to the belief that this was the most important thing.  This needed all of my attention, all my effort, all my passion… It didn’t.  It doesn’t.  I can be great at what I’m doing, I can help others to do amazing, wonderful things, but it’s not everything and it doesn’t require everything that’s inside of me.

It’s a matter of balance – of finding it, managing it, making it work.  And I’m trying.  I’m going to keep trying. 

I’m going to keep finding time, even if it’s just 10 minutes a night, to spend with my kids.

I’m going to take the time and make the effort to start writing again.  A year ago I was writing something, even something small, every day.  Now I can’t remember the last time I sat down at my computer and just wrote what was inside my head.  So I’ll start doing that again.

I’m going to try to be better.  A better sister, a better wife, mother, daughter.  A better person.  I’m going to try because I miss… Me. 

So I’m back, in what may be a very limited sense.  I do still have other demands on my time, other responsibilities.  I’ve got to find that balance I mentioned and that could be a struggle. But –

I’m back.

So Busy =)

LOL - So as the title of this post suggests, I've been so busy lately that I honestly haven't had time to do much of anything, especially not for writing.  In light of that for this week's post I'm merely going to share the links of some of my past posts here.  I know this is a lazy way of doing a post, and I promise that next week I'll have something new to say, but I just don't have the time right now to do more...


These posts span back over the last 3-4 months, so you may have seen them before but for those of you who are seeing them for the first time, and even if you're not, I hope you enjoy them!

So This is What I'm Doing

The "Where's" of My Writing

My Writing Soundtracks... Er, Playlists

Taking the Paranormal In To the Everyday

Making Time in a Busy Life

Working Through The Tough Spots

Thus Sprang Inspiration

I hope that from this list there is something that draws your interest, your eye, your opinion, and maybe even your imagination!  


Thanks for stopping by and I'll see you again next week!