After months and months of concerns, questions, worries and the occasional contradictory moments of feeling success and unhappiness, it's come to an end. In what is still a baffling turn of events (even after a full month of looking back and doubting myself, my previous actions, asking myself "why?", and generally feeling smaller than I've felt in more than a decade), I'm finally starting to look forward again, to tomorrow and next month and to next year and beyond.
And now that I am looking at the future again, I'm beginning to realize that in many ways I've been spinning my wheels. Figuratively, obviously. I've spent so much of the last 6 months waiting. Waiting for this to happen, so that I can do that. Waiting for this person to get me information about something so that I can do that thing. Just - waiting. Now I'm seeing that the holding pattern I was in was of particular design to keep me somewhat busy and somewhat content, so that I wasn't asking questions about what was going to happen next, where I was supposed to be going, or when the next step was going to be presented to me. It's an unfair position to be placed in but I suppose I'm not entirely blameless in the situation... I let it happen to me after all.
I was unhappy, bordering on miserable for a portion of the time, but despite my complaints and grumbling, I never really did anything to change the situation or push for more. As position, work and power was torn from me, as I watched those around me suffer in concert, I started to believe that I couldn't fix things and therefore as more time passed, I hardly even tried. And maybe I couldn't have fixed things. Maybe trying only would have pushed us all into the current situation sooner. But I should have tried, I should have pushed, and I should have realized far sooner that waiting wasn't doing anyone any favors (except those who will remain unnamed), least of all me.
Now ideas for the future are percolating in my mind and family and friends are happy to see and support a change in attitude, a change in goals and plans. But most of all they are happy to be supporting me in an endeavour that will create a better, happier, more stable situation for me, my family and, hopefully, a whole array of other people - young and old, as well.
So wish me luck! And I promise that as things move forward I'll do my best to keep you posted!!
Till next time, be happy and keep looking forward!